Taylor Clarke Blog

Crucial Conversations: Tools for talking when the stakes are high - Book Review by Aileen Jess, Project Management and Research Assistant

June 11th, 2010

In Taylor Clarke’s Book Club, we read and discussed this engaging and practical book (by Patterson, K., Grenny, J., McMillan, R. & Switler, A.; McGraw-Hill; 2002) which encourages us to “discover how to communicate best when it matters most”.

Think back to conversations you’ve had recently; how did they feel, what was the outcome, how much do you remember from them, how important were they?  These are all things to consider in assessing the effectiveness of conversations, whether they are short and informal or structured and vital.  All conversations can be important, but it is these vital or ‘crucial’ conversations that we turn our attention to here.  Patterson et al define ‘crucial conversations’ as “a discussion between two or more people where: the stakes are high; opinions vary and emotions run strong”.  Within today’s climate it is easy to see how more and more of these ‘crucial conversations’ are having to take place, for example, relating to redundancies or major changes and restructuring, and this may even be a result of past ‘crucial conversations’ not being handled effectively or not taking place at all; therefore it is key that we recognise these potentially difficult conversations and have the ability to handle them well.

When conversations become ‘crucial’ we often react in unproductive ways, saying nothing at all or becoming irate.  No doubt we all have memories of reacting in exactly these ways.  Patterson et al describe the benefit in slowing our thinking down, inquiring, rationalising and learning to take control in the moment.

The consequences of shying away from these conversations can potentially be huge.  Successful people face up to them; this is not to say these conversations are easy, there is a lot to take into account and challenges to overcome, but there are tips, steps and considerations that can help to make these conversations more effective.

We all have our own thoughts, feelings and beliefs, our ‘pool of meaning’ in Patterson et al’s terms.  Inevitably we all bring a different ‘pool of meaning’ to the conversations we have so creating a safe place for everyone to discuss their views and come to a ‘shared pool of meaning’ is key for more effective dialogue and decision making.  But how exactly can we achieve this?

Patterson et al describe seven principles and the associated skills required to carry out effective crucial conversations.  These are:

1. Start with Heart: focusing on what you really want, and don’t want;
2. Learn to Look: recognising your own style, safety problems, realising when conversations turn crucial;
3. Make It Safe: establishing mutual purpose, understanding and respect;
4. Master My Stories: identifying and separating out facts behind the issue;
5. State My Path: expressing your views, focusing on the real issue;
6. Explore Others’ Paths: exploring others’ views, comparing and agreeing;
7. Move to Action: deciding how to make decisions, documenting decisions and actions.

These principles are helpful, but how easy are they to use in practice?  In the heat of the moment in a crucial conversation, can we remember all these steps?  Can we always plan ahead; do we know when a crucial conversation is coming? Perhaps just raising awareness of what we should be aiming for could be enough to make some difference, as well as rehearsing being open with each other and possibly even practising when the stakes are less high.  However, chances are that experiencing these conversations real time will be the most important way to develop the skills required.  To make this less daunting, you may be able to break down the elements and work on them in stages, then review your progress and identify the key trigger points for you, how you remembered the various steps and what has worked, or not, in these different situations; all of which should hopefully become more natural over time.
So, it seems clear what we need to do and how we can go about developing the skills needed, but do we routinely face any other challenges that can influence our conversations?  For example, the concept of safety makes sense intuitively but seems to require a certain degree of control to be able to achieve, something which we might not all have.  Also, it may be relevant to consider the impact of power differentials; does this influence our reactions and feelings of safety to challenge within conversations?  Plus, just how big a part does emotion play?

As well as the challenges of being able to skilfully manage crucial conversations, organisational culture and structures can influence how many conversations are actually had and how they are tackled.  It is interesting to consider what type of culture is most, or least, conducive for effective crucial conversations; I’m sure we have all heard people say, ‘But, I can’t do that here’, so is in fact a ‘no blame’ culture needed for people to feel safe to have these open, honest conversations, and is this even realistic to expect?

Crucial conversations happen all across the organisation, not just at the top level, and are not always based on 1:1 dialogue; therefore the complexity of handling group dialogue must be acknowledged, do the same principles and skills apply here, is there role conflict, is it possible to get to a ‘shared pool of meaning’ and mutual respect? 

Overall, the ability to handle these crucial conversations has been linked to well-being in individuals; could this also be true at the organisational level?

Although a lot of these ideas are not new and this book is based mainly on anecdotal examples, it is easy to read, packages the concepts together in a way that is easy to grasp and offers a simple questionnaire to help identify what aspects need focused on.  Plus, tools and resources are explained and provided, for example, mirroring, priming, videos clips and scripts.

So, whether the recent recession has led to the need for more of these ‘crucial conversations’, or if indeed the lack of effective crucial conversations in the past has actually contributed to the recession remains unclear, but undoubtedly we all must become skilled in effective dialogue, especially when the stakes are high, to help move through these tough times and flourish in the future.

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